Author: aerialfeminist

Choose Your Own Adventure: Kink Dynamic Edition

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I first realized that I was submissive about 10 years ago, at the age of 20 and in the middle of my first “adult” relationship, i.e. my first relationship that hadn’t begun in high school. Looking back now, my kinks manifested in various ways prior to that – including a childhood period of fascination with historical methods of corporal punishment – but it wasn’t until college that I was able to attach a label to those desires.

Labels can be helpful. As I’ve written before, discovering words to accurately describe my queerness was a revelation, and finding labels to reflect my burgeoning kinks was equally eye-opening. But labels can also be restrictive, when they almost fit but not quite – like a pair of leggings that’s just a bit too tight. Suddenly, you find yourself uncomfortable, self-conscious, and questioning why you ever put the damn things on in the first place.

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Six Weeks Later

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Six weeks ago, I endured a seismic shift in my life.

Six weeks ago, my long-distance partner of over 4 years told me that he had developed feelings for another woman, and that he was leaving me, in part so he could be with her. I had just arrived on a plane that morning, ready for a week of laziness and quintessential New England autumn activities, and instead I found myself in his new apartment (his job meant regular relocations), staring out the window at a city I’d never seen before that day while my world crashed around me. Everything I’d built up in my head, everything about what our lives were going to be like once that grand mythical day arrived and we’d finally live in the same place, crumbled.

But this isn’t about that. It’s not even about him, and it’s definitely not about her. This is about me, and what came after.

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No, I Don’t Watch The Handmaid’s Tale: Consuming “Feel-Good” Television as Resistance

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I don’t watch The Handmaid’s Tale.

I haven’t seen a single second of the show, actually.

I meant to watch it, back when I heard it was being made. I had every intention of adding it to the already too-long list of TV shows I devour – but then the election happened, and even though some of the shock of it had worn off by the time the show premiered six months later, a show about a totalitarian regime where women are literal property of the state just seemed…too real. It hit way too close to home, especially with Pence a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

So I put it off, mentally assigning it to the backburner of shows I would get to eventually, waiting for the day when I was in a better headspace to consume something so dark, so disturbing, and so horrifyingly plausible.

But that day never came – and with Roe vs. Wade hurtling toward a seemingly inevitable demise, I doubt I ever will. This is not a commentary on the show’s quality – I’m sure it’s exceedingly well-made and splendidly acted, worthy of this “Golden Era” of TV in which we are still living – or a hipsterish, contrarian backlash against what is popular.

I merely came to the conclusion that continually subjecting myself to women’s trauma, fictional or otherwise, as entertainment is not worth it for me, no matter the supposed deeper meaning behind it. Rape, domestic abuse, and graphic violence toward marginalized groups are not prerequisites for powerful or compelling storytelling, and I am tired of Prestige Television™ pretending otherwise.

“But you’re being a total hypocrite,” I can hear you saying. “I follow you on Twitter. I know you watch Westworld, Supernatural, and Stranger Things. And don’t even get me started on Game of Thrones!”

And you’re right, I do. My TV habits are not all light and fluffy, and I have endured countless instances of fictional women being fridged in order to further the character development of men – though I have nearly given up on shows before because of lazy, gratuitous rape plots (yes, Game of Thrones, I’m looking at you). But I have noticed that, in the last two years, I have made conscious efforts to consume more television that contains generally good people just trying to do their best – or at least kinda crappy people who are making an effort to be better.

Allowing oneself to watch and enjoy these sorts of shows isn’t just a method of media self-care; it’s an act of resistance.
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In Defense of Fleur Delacour

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Though the title protagonist is first an adolescent and then a teenage boy, the Harry Potter series is filled with smart, accomplished, compassionate women and girls to admire. There’s Hermione Granger, of course – she is the entire inspiration for my sex blogging alter ego, after all – but also Ginny Weasley, Molly Weasley, Minerva McGonagall, and Luna Lovegood, to name a few. Many Tumblr posts, Buzzfeed listicles, and tweet threads have been dedicated to these beloved characters, but there is one woman in the Harry Potter universe who does not get enough love, both within the fandom and the series itself: Fleur Delacour.

Ms. Delacour is of course beautiful, but she is also intelligent, bilingual, magically skilled, and deeply devoted to and fiercely protective of her family and friends. Despite these admirable qualities, she is often seen by others as merely snobby, vain, shallow, and rude. Unfortunately, some of my otherwise very favorite characters – Hermione, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley in particular – treat her horribly at certain points in the series, in a perfect illustration of femmephobia and internalized misogyny. By the end of the final book, Fleur is a key member of the anti-Voldemort resistance movement, harboring fugitives and fighting Death Eaters – all while performing the brunt of the unpaid domestic labor, as is so often expected of women in both the magical and Muggle worlds.

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Oh Hi, I’m Bi

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So I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexuality lately – specifically, the bi part of it. (Personally, I blame Janelle Monáe, at least in part – I mean, have you seen the “Make Me Feel” video? Hnnngh. *heart eyes*)

See, I’m bisexual but heteroromantic. I’m in a monogamous relationship with a man. I’ve only ever dated men. I only want to date men. I don’t have romantic feelings for folks who are not men. That does not, however, hold true for my sexual feelings.*

*Note: I know there’s been a lot of discussion in LGBTQIA circles about whether or not the term “bisexual” enforces the gender binary/is transphobic/should be replaced with pansexual/etc, and I have feelings on that – but that’s not what this post is about. In short, bisexual is the label that I feel best reflects my sexuality, but trans and nonbinary folks are not excluded from my sexual attractions.

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Hermione Danger Recommends #2: Burn It All Down

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Hermione Danger Recommends is a series where I recommend a piece of media – TV show, book, podcast, etc – that centers on sex, feminism, and/or social justice issues.

(Before I begin this post in earnest, a brief confession: I truly did not intend for three months to go by between posts in this series, nor did I mean to recommend two podcasts in a row. However, with the Super Bowl so recently behind us and the 2018 Winter Olympics in full swing, I decided that this was a good time to take a break from writing about sex to write about sports.)

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A Resolution I’ll Actually Keep: My 2018 Orgasm Spreadsheet

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I’ll be honest, y’all: I’m not really one for New Year’s resolutions. I do tend to get introspective at the end of the year, reflecting on the previous 12 months and the things I’ve accomplished, and I try to begin January 1st on a positive note, mindful of certain intentions I’ve settled on for the upcoming year. But when it comes to standard, straightforward, concrete resolutions? It’s never been my thing.

But this year, I have a resolution: I’m keeping an orgasm spreadsheet for 2018. Continue reading →

Best of 2017

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Let’s be honest: 2017 was something of a garbage fire. Between the shitshow that is the Trump regime and wave after wave of abusers being outed, not to mention mass shootings and devastating hurricanes…it’s been a rough year.

But even though it mostly feels like this year has been a constant stream of shit, there have been some great things to come out of 2017, so I thought I’d spend my obligatory year-end wrap-up post oozing some positivity.

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